3 Tips For Dealing With Those “Why Me!” “Why Now!” Moments
We’ve all had those mornings, shutting off the alarm was hard, time flew by, we are grabbing things as we head out the door without a coat buttoned up, and then we spill our coffee, and we are thinking: “It’s going to be a bad day.” or “Really, what else could go wrong!” or “What next?!” And what happens after that?
Well, most of the time the day does continue in that direction. But, is it because the day is preset to be bad, or because we’ve already set that expectation in our head and our actions are, unfortunately, creating havoc. We may be moving fast without thinking, without being in the present moment. We are probably thinking about the meeting we are late for, or how this always happens, instead of consciously choosing where we set the coffee down or thinking about how we are driving.
Can we avoid those moments altogether? Well, probably not. The good news is we can definitely minimize these moments by staying in the present moment; planning ahead for our busy times; and developing practices that help our mind pause before it reacts. Practices such as Mindfulness, Tai Chi, QiGong, and gratitude can support us. The other news – we are still human and we are surrounded by other humans, and pets, that we can’t always control. Sometimes moments are not going to go as planned. Following are three tips for dealing with those moments when all you can think is “Why me?” or “Why now?”.
#1 Breathe.
Does every Mindfulness practice need to start with this? Yes. I’m pretty sure that’s the rule.
I could say pause or slow down, but many people have been trained to believe that action is good. Therefore, they have an immediate negative reaction to being told they should slow down or pause or hesitate. Breathing is a way of coming back to the present moment and still taking action. Connecting with your breath at any moment is a courageous thing to do, because your breath is going to bring you back to the present moment and connect you to it. Truth be told, we often like to avoid many moments, pretend they don’t exist, hope they go away. Therefore, to always come back to the moment, with curiosity and an intention of learning from that moment is brave. So, when you realize you are in a crazy moment,
Direct all of your attention to your breath.
Follow the flow of breath in and out of the body at least once, maybe 3 times, or until you feel like your head is no longer going to explode.
If you find the breath stressful, which is naturally true for a percentage of the population due to health issues or past trauma, please feel free to come back to the feeling of your feet on the floor or the weight and sensation of your hands instead. You can use breath, feet, or hands as your present moment focus.
#2 Question Your Thoughts.
If you are anything like me your mind is quickly searching for someone/something to blame for this moment. If only that person in front of me wasn’t driving slow, I would be on time. It’s my husband’s fault, he distracted me this morning and then I forgot …. Darn dogs… kids… they never listen. That person knows I had a meeting; they really had to stop by my office right then? Coffee was too hot. Food took too long to prepare. The person at the coffee shop was slow. You know the drill.
The key here, after using your breath to back off the ledge, is to find a little clarity, and maybe some humor, in your thoughts. Ask yourself questions.
“Is what I’m thinking true?” Usually we are trying to blame someone because then it isn’t our fault, but does it have to be anyone’s fault? The morning was a little crazy, that customer needed an answer, your child fell – it just happened.
“What just happened?”
And without blaming or judgment, “What is my next step or action?” This gives us a chance to pause and choose our next response or action.
#3 Remember, you are not alone.
We are all human. I know I keep repeating this, but I’ve had those moments where I forget and think I’m some perfect being that can control myself and everything else around me, so I’m hoping others have those moments also. Even someone who lives alone in a cabin in the woods, probably has unexpected things happen to them. Seeing our moments as part of a larger human experience helps us realize that life is imperfect, and we are not alone. And, if we are lucky, it helps us find some humor in the situation. Sometimes I find myself rushing and then I stop and remind myself, with some kind humor, “You know Christine, just like everyone else the rules of time apply to you. Given that, what can you realistically do before you need to leave the house?”
When we are in the mindset of this is all happening “to me”, it is much easier to get angry or frustrated. If, we can remember we have some control over how we choose to move forward, we aren’t alone, and time applies to everyone, it makes it easier to laugh a little at the spilled coffee or slow person, actually going the speed limit, in front of us and back down out of the stress of the moment.
Additional Resources:
Neff, Kristin. Embracing Our Common Humanity with Self-Compassion. http://self-compassion.org/embracing-our-common-humanity-with-self-compassion/
Seppala, Emma. (February 7, 2014) Benefits of Breathing The Scientific Benefits of Breathing Infographic. https://emmaseppala.com/benefits-breathing-scientific-benefits-breathing-infographic/